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October 3rd, 2005

Note on Maria Full of Grace:
It did what I (and the writer/directorJoshua Marston) hoped it would do: clarify in undeniable terms a drug user’s complicity in the misery and suffering of others involved in the chain of supply. As a US citizen that cares about the effect US has on third world countries especially, in our foreign policy, in our trade agreements, in our modes of tourism and our habits as unofficial ambassadors, in our consumerism, et al, this is a sort of universally relevant and personally tailored reinforcement in my desire to break my addiction and put a forever end to my abuse and even so called harmless recreational abuse of crack and cocaine. I have an argument about drugs that a little can be harmless, and I still believe that as far as the user is concerned, but I can no longer ignore the way that even a little affects other people, even if only a little. I’m not alone in this.

The film also but a bigger fire under my butt about doing the mojado book, a fire I rekindled when I was reminded of the whole thing in, of all fucking unfortunate places, Blockbuster video! It was always a great idea and then it got derailed by my being told it was already done–though Coyotes is a different tale of a different time–and then it got further derailed by my crack addiction. Now don’t know which one I want to do first. Going Crack To Crack or Going Mojado [my new code names for the projects]. I need to move forward with preparations for both perhaps. Things to start with:

• see if I can contact Joshua Marston to ask how he worked with customs for Maria; I’ll need to do something similar with immigration for Mojado
• begin to further bone-up on the ins and outs of book proposals, actually beginning work on those proposals, and getting an agent. This brings up a side personal-professional note: I don’t want a romantic relationship with FK but I think she’d like one with me. I would like to be her friend because there is plenty I enjoy about her. She can be useful as someone who is knowledgable about good writing, the writing process, and the selling and publishing process. She’s already been immensely helpful in those areas but I think I have also been helpful to her in one or two of them. Friends help each other. And they understand each other, and I think we have a lot in common that way. I don’t think that’s using somebody. But I need to make sure I don’t do that, and that she doesn’t think I’m doing that, and so it’s even more imperative that I clarify with her now my feelings and intentions about us. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, or mislead her or be accused of something that isn’t true. That’s one of the things I need to do today or tomorrow. On top of that, educating myself and seeing how much I can do on my own as far as helping myself get published with help remove that element, that risk, to the extent that it can be at this point. FK is a person who is susceptible to being hurt, I think, and to thinking the worse about people and their actions toward her. The AS example, the KC example, to name two.

Things I Need to Get Done/Start Today:
• go to library for book proposal book(s)(ordered-in from other branches the two they have)
• go to the doctor’s office and see if I can sweet-talk my way into finding out whether I need another prescription and if so, getting it without paying for the office visit. I can’t afford that right now. No job. No insurance. Big hopes.
• get healthy happy and weight wise groceries
• email certain folk: Greiner, Shara Dee, Prayery, Carrie, Durbin, and Deal
• start the notebook entering for god sakes; it’s time!(I’m counting set-up time here because it needs to be done first, of course!)
• come up with a daily schedule! oh man, that seems key and I’ve been lazy (couldn’t; writeboards in backpack–where I want to maintain it–were busted)
• step up. It’s time to step up, brother. Time to do it. Time to be it. My version of Nike marketing: Just Be It!

To Do Later on in the Week:
• consider/start on big mag review of Johnny’s record?
• call the Mexican boys about getting in on the soccer game.
  Objectives:
  - renew & improve a friendship in this lonely place
  - practice Spanish
  - get info on and contacts for the mojado project
  - exercise! getting in shape! losing weight! meeting las mexicanas!

Pros To Doing Mojado First:
• it’s timely politically right now
• people more interested in a memoir of somebody after that somebody has done something successful and is sort of somewhat known

Cons To Doing Mojado First:
• publishing other memoir first will give legitimacy (legally and with coyotes) to this one

Pros For Doing Crackt First:
• easier
• two birds one stone
• can prepare for other while working on this one
• the younger the better
• part of the extended process of quitting and staying quit; the process of processing

Cons For Doing Crackt First:
• a premature coming-out
• a little premature as far as looking back and understanding, having something to say about it, knowing what to say about it

**Okay, here’s maybe the deciding thing, at least as far as planning the timeline of the major events that these two books will be based on:

There is no crack-to-crack book if I don’t go crack to crack, i.e. go from being an addict straight to climbing, which, putting the professional considerations away, is what I want to do on a personal level. Make that climb the crowning achievment (and reward and proof and motivation) in my recovery process. So, possible scenario: do El Cap, then either bust that book out or go straight to mojado-ing. I’m inclined to do first book first, then focus on second.

***Oh, and another major, as in make-or-break, consideration: Book One is no book at all if I can’t get my hand healthy for it. I still have numbness and weakness in my left hand. I went to the clinic today and did what was in my to-do list–except in a non-charming, more matter-of-fact style–and got a 12-day prescription this time. And the lady said that if I’m still having trouble after the twelve days, to come in so that they can test for nerve damage. There’s been slight improvement so I’m hopeful it’ll just take some time. I don’t know what nerve damage would mean, if it’s treatable or not. I know nothing. But neither will I worry until I have something to worry about.

In the meantime…

Note to Self:
Don’t bother friends, don’t bother family, until you’ve got your work done and it’s time.

Note on Sleep:
Roughly 1-8a, with the usual ghost moment halfway through. 1-8’s been a pretty consistent pattern. Is that a tautological pattern or a self-fulfilling one, i.e. because I slept that way the previous days, that’s the pattern my body is used to and expecting and that’s the time I get tired? Or is that my natural rhythm? The thread continues…

Note on Smoking:
People always talk about gaining weight when you quit smoking tobacco but it’s so much more a factor when you quit smoking crack because A) you have the same oral fixation to replace that you do with cigarettes, B) you’re metabolism is fucked from not eating previously, C) you subconsciously crave a mind-numbing sense of pleasure and food provides that legally, readily, and in socially and personally acceptable ways, D) ever heard the term ‘comfort food’?

I quit crack and cigarettes at the same time, motherfucker. This blabber on about food and exercise is so much more central and critical to the Quitting My Addiction saga than you or I would have ever previously imagined.

Note on Exercise:
- 2 sets of 20 push-ups
- didn’t get to my laps before it got dark but I did do a lot of biking around
(Why do I write stupid, worthless shit like that down? To give me that much more reason to do my exercise. That’s why, fucko.)

Note on Love:
This is something I haven’t touched on much if at all here but is definitely a big factor–or non-factor–in my life right now. I just wrote to my friend Cindy about it though, so I’ll transfer that blurb here and make my chronicle whole haha.

How are things on the love front? I’m a little lonely that way and am sort of isolated socially here in the Carolinas–after being lonely and socially isolated in Guatemala, too–but I couldn’t sit around New York waiting for true love to land. Got to get on with my stuff. So, I’m broke and alone but trying to make something of myself, and I feel good about that.

I did go to the Conch Cafe for lunch partly in hopes that Miss Faith with matching shoes would be there. She wasn’t. I almost asked, but it seemed geeky pathetic and not so nice to be asking one or more women about another woman. I ordered healthy: seafood salad. So at least there’s that.

Entry Filed under: Lifin